Today as I sat home in my chair, I thought about the whole entire year that has passed so far. And I notice that all the people, or most of the people who were here in my life during that time aren't really here anymore like they used to be. Some of it kinda feels weird because alot of them are people I considered really close or best friends. Now it's not that they aren't still good people or whatever, but I've learned there is a pattern in some of the friendships. Most of the time when I really want certain people around they are never anywhere to be found. For an example, I've been going through a rough time, and at the same time some of the best things has happen to me in my life, all at once, so I've been walking around with mixed emotions on how I feel about stuff. But I hate that some people, that I've been there for hand, and foot (just as they have for me, in one way or another), think because some good things (well I consider them to be good) has happen for me, that they have to not be who they once claimed they were to me, because of selfish reasons of their own. Now with this blog I won't get into specifics, but all I know is if a person don't like to see me happy, and can't step up to the plate, and be the friend or friends I thought they were then F**K it! I'm sorry but its how I feel. I feel like alot of times I've carried the weight of alot of my friendships. Meaning if I'm not willing to fight for it, then they aren't either. I feel like I try to hold on to people, and for what??? I try to talk things out so it won't result to this point. But again, I ask for what???? I've treated none of them differently at all. If you go through my pass blogs, and read, I'm always talking about how good this person is, and how thankful I am about this or that. But the minute I post someone else picture or pictures about them being great to me, they wanna fall of the wagon like some stank a** apples. So I think at this point in my life, the bags are getting too heavy for me to carry. So I'm dropping them here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If people feel some sorta way about me or don't like me, then you know what join the I hate Deonte` bus, and ride it straight to hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the end of the day I have to make sure I'm happy. Yes... I'm so very thankful for the people who are around to help see that happens. God knows I am, but I'm not about to push them out the way to see y'all a**es through. I've always been real with you guys (you know who you are). Yeah we been through some sh*t, and I've never replaced any of you in my lives. You did, or doing it to yourselves because of what you THINK!!!!!!! and guess what? You really have no idea. I always knew where I stood in y'all lives, but then again maybe I didn't. Because when I stand here, and look around, I realize with some of you I can't have it all right? Your friendship, along with happiness, and genuine support. Well since I have to make a choice, I choose happiness. And you better believe no man did this for me. I had to find happiness, and peace within myself, before I was able to allow someone else to make me feel happy. So once I did that I was able to proceed with trying to fall in love again. So even if it doesn't work, at least I can say this time I wasn't bitter about anything or insecure, and I tried without the feeling of not being sure. And I know alot of people are wishing the worst for me right about now, and guess what the worst has already happened. So you check that off your clipboards. It can only get better after all this. It's a shame I have to say this, but alot of people like to see me in pain, but God has been good to me, and when you talk to him, the pain doesn't hurt as much afterward (once he see's you trough it all). Lets face it, in the end that's all you have when you think you have nothing else.
The sad part about it all is even after all this I still have nothing but genuine love for these people. Some of them are all I've ever known, and dealt with throughout life. And it's sad to know when the times get rough or even great they won't be here!!!! But I gotta move on.
How I feel Right Now, and my song of the day!!