Wednesday, April 30, 2008

tired.....

U ever have one of those days u just get tired of everything & everyone! Well that's how I'm feeling today. Nope no one did anything to me in particular today, but its how I feel. You know all my life I've strive to be the best person I could be to folks. In every relationship whether it was a family member, boyfriend (yeah I said BOYFRIEND. If u don't like it raise up off my sh*t) or friend. I often feel like most of these very same people don't know me like I know them. I feel like everything I do has to be on a certain level that fits their standards. Well I'm tired of it! I'm tired of my family not knowing who I am, and I'm tired of hiding it because as I get older it gets harder. People (especially my family) don't understand (nor am I asking them to) my lifestyle or what I am. Half of the time I didn't. Its not easy trust me. I've lived in fear long enough wondering about why or how I become something that they hate. It's been a long hard lonely road. But what I do ask of my family is, if u love me unconditionally then do so. For my friends too! Most of them I find myself doing stuff for them and for what! I feel like if it wasn't for me most of us wouldn't even be friends. Yeah I said it! I see myself going the extra mile for people, and again for what? I don't get anything in return. NEVER! All I get is that Deonte' is a good guy. Well start showing it. Ask me to hang out. Come take me somewhere. I'm tired of driving my sh*t! All I get is a bunch of complaints about how I don't do this nor that. Or if I'm too busy to do something on their time they wanna pull this little attitude. Whatever! I go far and beyond. From the hair cuts (just because I go to a hair school, and can do some stuff doesn't equal free for you. All of u will start, and I mean it, start paying me something. Especially when gas prices is @ its highest, and I'm driving to your asses and hooking u up. And if your thinking for all that I can go to the Barber, then go to them!!!), movies (sometimes I see the same movie 20,000 times because they all wanna go see it, but not together because they might not like who I'm going to see it with. Well for now on if I go to the movies its that one time and one time only. If u don't like my other friends or buddies well guess what maybe u need to get a new friend), and attitudes about who I may be dating or whatever (I'm not asking u to fall in love with who I wanna date nor be their friend, but u WILL respect who ever he is or will be!) needs to be brought to a minimum. The other day I looked through my phone because I was having a issue about something and u know what I couldn't find one person I could call and lay my issues out to not one friend @ all! You know why because each one of them have a personal feeling about me that won't allow them to be just be my friend, and there for me so I don't or can't talk to them about anything! I've been living on my own for a year now, (meaning no roomates or nothing, and most of my friends or family has any idea where I live nor have they been to my house. Yeah I'm not perfect in all these friendships either an no I'm not taking away any good they may have done or bring my way. But friendships take hard work and dedication. So get it together and stop being assholes when it comes to me. I could keep going on this subject but I will let it go for now. And as far as relationships go. U know what. Yeah maybe some of these things above could have been some of the reasons I had trouble trying to trust, or open up to folks or give them a chance. Maybe I had to accept myself for who I was in order to allow or expect anyone else to love or treat me with some kind of respect. I won't solely blame my past relationships not going well because of family issues, or friend issues, because most of the people were just plain ol' jackasses anyway. But I will say some of the decisions I made and some of the reasons I've felt like I did were because of those particular things. Well those days are over! For one I love who I am now, and I'm NOT ashamed of it!. I know what I want out of life, and will do everything I can to make sure I at least try to get it. I want a fair and decent try at trying to be with a good person. Sometimes we can let our past interrupt our present and future. I ready to let all my guards down. I don't care to play it safe. For once I can say I met someone I really can see myself doing somethings, and being somewhere with. Not saying its going to last forever, but I would like to see. And I would like for my friends & family to start understanding this. I'm tired of all the changes I have to go through just to try to be happy. If you love me like you say you do, you would stand behind me and give me your full support rather than try to control me and be selfish. I would like to think when the dusk clears after any hard times, you all will be there to uplift and continue to support me like I do you all. No more secrets! No more trying to make everyone happy but myself. This is who I am. Love it or be gone! Writing this blog was like therapy for me today. I felt like I let a whole 20 years worth of stuff out here. And u know what, I know this won't be the end of my problems, but as long as I have breath in my body and a sane mind, I can keep trying to to strive for greatness, and one day I will get to reach that finish line, and when I look back, I would love to see all my beautiful friends, and family right behind me cheering me on! People say I live or want life to be a like a fairy tale. Or I want things to go like they go in the movies. I say hey, what's wrong with that. Why can't I want to have my family, friends and partner all know about each other, and respect one another and still love me the same.

And one other thing myspace is just myspace. It doesn't matter where you are on there on my list. If I choose to put my cousin, boyfriend, aunt, best friend as #1 or 300 it doesn't matter. So stop asking me why your this # or that #. It doesn't matter. Ur all special to me. I'm making some changes on there so if your don't like it I really don't wanna hear it!!!!! It's my page, and it's how I feel. Get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This song is how I feel about life right now! Dealing with friends, family & relationships can be tough. Even though this song is just talking about relationships or marriage, but I'm using it as a metaphor on how I feel about my life and the people in it right now!


10 comments:

LudaKhris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LudaKhris said...

Wow a deep blog. I'm sure this took you some time....its pretty long.

I love it, I think everyone hears you.

Just some advice..
http://ludakhris.blogspot.com/2008/04/let-countdown-begin.html

Prince Xem VanAdams-Lumumba said...

Im gonna read this as Soon as I get Home Today. LOL*

Its 6:34am Babe. I HAVE to be OUT of the House by 7:00am, and I have NOT even got into the Damn Shower.

deejuana83 said...

Hey Cuzo, I feel you on everything you posted in this blog. I feel that it was the right thing to do and I also feel that if people can't accept you for who you are then FUCK them. I don't care if it's family. This is YOUR life and you must live it to the fullest. NOBODY can judge you. Fuck what people say, do or think. Don't live for them, live for yourself. If they can't handle the truth… then the hell on with them! I learned a valuable lesson in life and that is family=people and that goes for your so-called friends too. Just because they're your family or a closet friend’s doesn’t mean that you have to bow down to them or deal with them for all that matter. I don't care who they're or what they believe in. This is your world. You created it...it's up to you on how you want it to be. I always tell people to "Live Life...Be Free.”

I love you Deonte and hopefully one day this world will rid all hate or any form of ignorance. I won’t hold my breath on that, but just continuing being the great person you’re and “Remember to Remember.” If you read “The Secret,” then you would know what I’m talking about. ~Your lil'Cuz ;)

VELVETONYX said...

DEAR DEONTE "CHUCK" K,
I AM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU ARE USING UR BLOGS AS THERAPY. WE ALL NEED SOME SORT OF OUTLET TO GET RID OF BAD ENERGY. SO KEEP THE BLOGS COMING!
OK LET ME BEGIN BY SAYING THAT I AM AND ALWAYS WILL BE YOUR FRIEND. OF COURSE, I DON'T FALL INTO THE CATERGORY OF THOSE OTHER PEOPLE. (ATLEAST I HOPE NOT). IT'S AMAZING HOW MUCH YOU HAVE GROWN SINCE WE FIRST BECAME CLOSE FRIENDS. I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD YOU THAT IT'S OKAY TO BE YOU AND THAT YOUR HAPPINESS IS MOST IMPORTANT.
ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I LOVE U SO MUCH (NOT LIKE THAT) IS BECAUSE YOU ARE INDEED A GOOD GUY, I MEAN A GREAT GUY. PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY HOMOSEXUAL MEN, PRAY ON THAT. THEY USE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A NICE GUY AS A WAY TO CONTROL UR THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU AND ALL THAT U HAVE ACCOMPLISHED FROM SCHOOL,TO THIS BLOGSPOT, BEING ON YOUR OWN, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FINDING WHO U ARE AS A PERSON IN THIS WORLD! OK, NOW I AM GETTING LONG WINDED...NOT LIKE U THOUGH (LOL) DAMN, I HAD TO SIT BACK AND SIP MY COFFEE WHILE I READ UR VERY INSIGHTFUL BLOG...(LOL)
IF YOU DONT KNOW IT, I AM TELLING YOU AGAIN, I AM YOUR FRIEND. I LOVE U. I DONT WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU BUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE IN RETURN. I AM HERE FOR U ALWAYS....CHUCK. AND THAT PHONEBOOK REFERENCE...OH I AM GOING TO GET U BACK FOR THAT ONE. 'CAUSE U KNOW U CAN CALL ME ANYTIME....
CONTINUED SUCCESS, LOVE & HAPPINESS....
FROM YOUR BOY,
~CALVIN AKA CRAIG.... :-)

deejuana83 said...

By the way, you look tired in that pic. Try to relax and take a day out for yourself to learn who you are and what you like most about yourself. Also weighed out your dislikes and try to make a change.

Ciao 4 now!!

slimm215 said...

im not gonna make this long. Good blog. Really made me think.

Prince Xem VanAdams-Lumumba said...

I Can HONESTLY say that Somehow, inbetween Last Saturday and NOW...I Feel as if I have delved into your inner Soul and Defining Spirit. I Commend You, for Unlike Most People quite like U and I, Individuals are AFRAID to Open their Hearts to the World, Much like We Do. I LOVED reading this Post, and Fortunately, I Can Say that the Past 7 Years have Proven to Me that it IS Possible for Your Family, Friends, Associates and Love Interest to Co-Exist. I Mix and Mingle My Various Circles, and they All 'Make it Happen' because of their Love and Adoration for Me. Its the Way its 'Suppose' to be. NO ONE Xists in My Emerald Domain Who does NOT abide by the rules...and I have PLENTY...

Jeff0418 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff0418 said...

As I sit here and read this it really explains a lot about you high stress factor as of late,and I am so sorry you had to go through this kind of unnecessary drama in your life. The fact of the matter is no one will make you as happy or treat you the way you will do for yourself(not taking anything away from whomever you decide to be with)just know as I have said to you on different occasions you can call,text email or however you wanna reach me Im there for you! you are a great man that has all the potential to even a greater man than you are now. and I have nothing but the greatest amount of love and respect for you(even phee phee too..lol)But seriously just live your life for you as stress&drama free as possible I got your back no matter what! Take it Ez will talk to you soon. Love ya D

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