tired.....

U ever have one of those days u just get tired of everything & everyone! Well that's how I'm feeling today. Nope no one did anything to me in particular today, but its how I feel. You know all my life I've strive to be the best person I could be to folks. In every relationship whether it was a family member, boyfriend (yeah I said BOYFRIEND. If u don't like it raise up off my sh*t) or friend. I often feel like most of these very same people don't know me like I know them. I feel like everything I do has to be on a certain level that fits their standards. Well I'm tired of it! I'm tired of my family not knowing who I am, and I'm tired of hiding it because as I get older it gets harder. People (especially my family) don't understand (nor am I asking them to) my lifestyle or what I am. Half of the time I didn't. Its not easy trust me. I've lived in fear long enough wondering about why or how I become something that they hate. It's been a long hard lonely road. But what I do ask of my family is, if u love me unconditionally then do so. For my friends too! Most of them I find myself doing stuff for them and for what! I feel like if it wasn't for me most of us wouldn't even be friends. Yeah I said it! I see myself going the extra mile for people, and again for what? I don't get anything in return. NEVER! All I get is that Deonte' is a good guy. Well start showing it. Ask me to hang out. Come take me somewhere. I'm tired of driving my sh*t! All I get is a bunch of complaints about how I don't do this nor that. Or if I'm too busy to do something on their time they wanna pull this little attitude. Whatever! I go far and beyond. From the hair cuts (just because I go to a hair school, and can do some stuff doesn't equal free for you. All of u will start, and I mean it, start paying me something. Especially when gas prices is @ its highest, and I'm driving to your asses and hooking u up. And if your thinking for all that I can go to the Barber, then go to them!!!), movies (sometimes I see the same movie 20,000 times because they all wanna go see it, but not together because they might not like who I'm going to see it with. Well for now on if I go to the movies its that one time and one time only. If u don't like my other friends or buddies well guess what maybe u need to get a new friend), and attitudes about who I may be dating or whatever (I'm not asking u to fall in love with who I wanna date nor be their friend, but u WILL respect who ever he is or will be!) needs to be brought to a minimum. The other day I looked through my phone because I was having a issue about something and u know what I couldn't find one person I could call and lay my issues out to not one friend @ all! You know why because each one of them have a personal feeling about me that won't allow them to be just be my friend, and there for me so I don't or can't talk to them about anything! I've been living on my own for a year now, (meaning no roomates or nothing, and most of my friends or family has any idea where I live nor have they been to my house. Yeah I'm not perfect in all these friendships either an no I'm not taking away any good they may have done or bring my way. But friendships take hard work and dedication. So get it together and stop being assholes when it comes to me. I could keep going on this subject but I will let it go for now. And as far as relationships go. U know what. Yeah maybe some of these things above could have been some of the reasons I had trouble trying to trust, or open up to folks or give them a chance. Maybe I had to accept myself for who I was in order to allow or expect anyone else to love or treat me with some kind of respect. I won't solely blame my past relationships not going well because of family issues, or friend issues, because most of the people were just plain ol' jackasses anyway. But I will say some of the decisions I made and some of the reasons I've felt like I did were because of those particular things. Well those days are over! For one I love who I am now, and I'm NOT ashamed of it!. I know what I want out of life, and will do everything I can to make sure I at least try to get it. I want a fair and decent try at trying to be with a good person. Sometimes we can let our past interrupt our present and future. I ready to let all my guards down. I don't care to play it safe. For once I can say I met someone I really can see myself doing somethings, and being somewhere with. Not saying its going to last forever, but I would like to see. And I would like for my friends & family to start understanding this. I'm tired of all the changes I have to go through just to try to be happy. If you love me like you say you do, you would stand behind me and give me your full support rather than try to control me and be selfish. I would like to think when the dusk clears after any hard times, you all will be there to uplift and continue to support me like I do you all. No more secrets! No more trying to make everyone happy but myself. This is who I am. Love it or be gone! Writing this blog was like therapy for me today. I felt like I let a whole 20 years worth of stuff out here. And u know what, I know this won't be the end of my problems, but as long as I have breath in my body and a sane mind, I can keep trying to to strive for greatness, and one day I will get to reach that finish line, and when I look back, I would love to see all my beautiful friends, and family right behind me cheering me on! People say I live or want life to be a like a fairy tale. Or I want things to go like they go in the movies. I say hey, what's wrong with that. Why can't I want to have my family, friends and partner all know about each other, and respect one another and still love me the same.

And one other thing myspace is just myspace. It doesn't matter where you are on there on my list. If I choose to put my cousin, boyfriend, aunt, best friend as #1 or 300 it doesn't matter. So stop asking me why your this # or that #. It doesn't matter. Ur all special to me. I'm making some changes on there so if your don't like it I really don't wanna hear it!!!!! It's my page, and it's how I feel. Get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!


This song is how I feel about life right now! Dealing with friends, family & relationships can be tough. Even though this song is just talking about relationships or marriage, but I'm using it as a metaphor on how I feel about my life and the people in it right now!